How I Destroyed a Thriving City With Nine Gallons of Water

In my front yard there’s a mighty oak tree. Up until a month or so ago, encircling its trunk was a carpet of wild flowers and unbloomed jonquils. After a visit from an over-zealous landlady with a weed eater, there’s only a circle of dirt about fifteen feet across left. It was the perfect spot for a nest of fire ants. I’d seen the beginnings of the mound a few weeks ago, but didn’t get to it timely enough. Yesterday, the neighbor boys (aged five and three) came to play “garden” in my yard – they love watching me in my garden – and, trowels in hand, made straight for the ants. There was only one bite, but the younger boy was covered in them. This morning, I did what I had to do.

Before the ants were warmed up by the sun, I put three gallons of water on to boil. I investigated the mound a bit more while I waited. It looked like the ants were centered around the stump of a sapling that had been cut before I moved here. When the water was hot, I slowly poured it around the stump. The mound, mostly a hollow-out pile of dirt, collapsed. The water found ant trails and drained away. Gurgles emanated from below. The ground steamed. Hundreds or thousands of ants were caught unawares. The water instantly killed them and hard boiled the eggs. The bodies and pure white eggs were everywhere. I left them and went inside to my sourdough pancakes, putting another three gallons on to boil.

When the water was ready, I took it outside. The ants behaved like a responsible government would – medics were swarming over the bodies and eggs looking for signs of life (Some of each were being drug below. To the hospital or pantry, I couldn’t say.), engineers were inspecting the damage and repairing what they could, and I’m sure insurance adjusters were paying off claims. I behaved the way a reprehensible terrorist would – I unleashed a second flood of boiling water. The ants didn’t have a chance. Clouds of steam, gurgles from the deep, a thicker pile of bodies. Enough dirt had washed away that it became easy to pull up the stump, and I drug it across the road. In the hole I saw a few more ant trails, but precious few ants. I went inside for coffee and put another three gallons on to boil.

The last of the water was hardly necessary. When I took it out, only a few ants were about. These ants were from the lowest levels of the city and were staggering about like they were blinded by the light of the sun. The ground was fairly saturated, so the final three gallons were slow to drain. The pit held the water like a leaky bowl, and when the water was gone, so was any trace of the ants. All that remained was a crater. A square foot of total destruction.

I’ll watch the place for the next few days. It’s possible that the neighboring cities in the cow pasture may send in their best search and rescue teams, food, and construction equipment. If they do, I’ll be ready, stock pot in hand.

The official They Might Be Giants page has just redesigned. It’s got babbling presidents! And a music video filmed with a QuickCam. Fun stuff.

Who is the little girl who lives in the Plaza in New York? _“Hi! I am Eloise. I live on the top floor._” This is your source for all things Eloise, including information on the book re-releases and the upcoming movie and possible TV show. I couldn’t find the lyrics to Kay Thomson’’s song, nor could I find it anywhere as an MP3 or anything else. I don’t want to deprive Ms Thompson’s estate of any royalties, but I’d really like to listen to that song for some strange reason.

One of my favorite people has started her own diaryland journal: Intemperance. If ever there was someone perfect for journal writing, it’s she. She’s just getting started, but you can expect some good things here.

Honeycomb’s big, yeah yeah yeah. It’s not small, no no no! That’s a link to a page full of 70s kids TV stuff. Theme songs, commercials, etc. The fellow used to watch TV with a tape recorder running, offering commentary as he watched. Now, all of his hard work has culminated in a webpage chock full of .au files. Joy! When I was small, in the early 70s, I got to eat honeycomb cereal when I visited my maternal grandmother. The youngest of my aunts & uncles were kids (older kids, but kids just the same), so there was always kid’s cereal there to eat. And honeycomb was my favorite. Then I got old enough (eventually) to buy my own cereal, and homeycomb it was. Blech! What happened to it? I swear what they’re passing off now isn’t what they used to have.

From Slate: Attack of the Giant Shopping Carts!!! Have you noticed how huge carts have gotten? Giant sport utility shopping carts. Some people say buggies – it won’t be long before we’ll need to hitch mules to the things just to get to the dairy aisle in the back of the store. Or perhaps train tracks in the aisles to make things easier. The carts could have those nifty up & down pumping levers like good old-fashioned handcars. Several stores around here have already installed cup holders on the shopping carts. Cup holders!

Oven Key is a home based business specializing in world wide web home pages and wooden kitchen utensils. However, Oven Key does not make spoons or scoops. Luckily, the Spoon Lady does. Oy! The background music!

Whoever said politicians aren’t witty? A scuffle on the Alabama House floor was preceeded by the following repartee: “You go to hell,” Holmes told White. “You go there, too,” White replied. “Go straight to hell,” Holmes snapped back.

I got notified this morning that I’ve been accepted into the VirginConnect program. No, it’s not a dating service for sexual neophytes. It’s a program by Virgin Entertainment that allows you to “rent-to-own” an internet appliance (the WebPlayer, similar to the i-opener from netpliance) for $50 a year, including unlimited internet access. For the first 10000 people, the first year is free. I don’t have a computer at home, so I signed up. It may be an easy way to write weblog entries without having to lug my work laptop home and back. It may be a fun toy to poke at. It may be a doorstop. We’ll see. I can always send it back if it’s a piece of junk.

This weblog is the number one result when you use the AOL search engine for “apartments athens georgia”. So why couldn’t I sublet when I moved in February and then get stuck paying double rent for two months? Oh… if anyone from University Gardens Apartments is reading this, I’ll pay you that last month’s worth. Really I will. Just not now, and not all at once. If you wouldn’t have rejected every candidate I brought in, we wouldn’t be having this discussion, and you’d be several hundred dollars richer.